Two summers ago, Jenny and I decided it was time to get a car. I had owned them in the past, but had no need for one for several years. I could walk or grab public transit easily. Owning a car was no longer necessary. With it, I was able to eliminate all of the frustrations that come it. The only time I ever cursed was when stubbing my toe or while under my breath after all interactions with humans.

When we decided we wanted a car, it wasn’t out of necessity. We thought it could open up more opportunities for us. In the time since buying Bom Bom (Jenny’s name for our car and her name for me, ironically enough) I would say it has done wonders for us. As you’ll see on my pros list, the world becomes a much smaller place when you don’t have to sit next to a stranger on a bus.

Pros of Owning a Car

1) No more public transportation

Jenny and I are experts at public transportation. We’ve taken trains, buses, and in the Philippines, rode jeepneys. Public transportation is great in many situations. After a while, it grinds on you.

As Jenny already expressed, going places is better when you don’t have to deal with smelly strangers bumping into you. It’s amazing how bad some people can smell, even in the winter. Public transit is a constant reminder of this. Unless you’re a fan of having a drunk person puke on you, it’s not the best option.

2) You can go more places

Public transportation can only get you so many places. In one of the episodes of Sneaky Pete, Giovanni Ribisi requests Ethan Embry grab a bus from Bridgeport, Connecticut to Sedona, Wherever That Is.

That’s not how buses work!

Public transit is limiting. Even in major cities, you have to do a lot of walking.

3) Less walking, though

I enjoy a nice, long walk on the beach just as much as anyone else from the 1990s filled with cliches does. What I don’t like is having a bad hip, a bad foot, and calluses on my soles.

My feet look like they’ve been through war. And I don’t mean one of those lopsided Civil Wars. I’m talking an evenly-matched battle that causes friction back in the homeland. One of those fun wars that last for centuries because so many people have been claimed by some stupid disagreement.

Cons of Owning a Car

1) They cost money

Car are not cheap. I was happy when Jenny and I managed to knock down about $2,000 from ours. We had a price we weren’t going to go over. When our demands weren’t met, we made it clear we were willing to leave via Uber instead of a new vehicle.

Jenny and I are incredibly cheap so anytime we have to spend money on an item, it’s an immediate con. I want as much money in my bank account as possible. I’m terrible for the economy.

2) Finding parking

Depending on where you live, parking may be tough. In our old apartment, there was street parking. This meant we had to be home by 7pm every day or face the consequences of trying to find a faraway spot to parallel park in.

Our new apartment does have a designated spot so that’s fantastic. We no longer have to play the game of fighting our neighbors over a place to put our vehicles when they sleep. It’s one less frustration in our lives. Now we can focus on nitpicking each other’s bad habits like a normal couple.

3) Death is so much more possible

There are times in life when I just want to die. Every Monday morning, for instance, I welcome the call of death.

I’m kidding, of course. I don’t actually hope to cease existing until around Friday afternoon when the clock seems to have stopped.

In all seriousness, cars kill a lot of people. There’s a reason for this. People are idiots who drive poorly. Making motor vehicles available to the common person is practically handing them a deadly weapon. America doesn’t need gun control. We need to start building cards that explode whenever a turn is made without using a directional.