I’ve revised my resume plenty in the last year-plus. What was once a travesty is now a decent-looking summary of my working history.

If my resume was an actress, it would have gone from Lena Dunham to, well, pick anyone that doesn’t look like a 1970s minor league hockey player.

One thing my resume does lack is some pure honesty. We all fib a bit here. In even a subtle way, we add some hyperbole into our skills.

I’d like to do something a little different and give a more honest resume. Just in case you’re looking to hire someone who is ballsy enough to admit he’s not perfect, this is my honest resume.

Timmy Bee

An Apartment in a Town He Can Afford to Live In
(Phone Calls) Make Me-Nervous

Summary of Skills

• Fast typer
• Doing what is asked
• Literate
• Ability to learn quickly, but quite limited
• Bad at remembering names and I realize they’re someone important
• That’s about it

Working History

Current Company – Present Day

Job Title: Nameless employee doing his best to blend in

Job Summary: Doing what I’m told, not using the bathroom too often where rumors begin to swirl, avoiding human contact

Previous Company – Three months too long at a three month and one week job

Job Title: Bystander

Summary of Responsibilities: Getting yelled at daily, taker of poor instructions, being terribly confused, ponderer of quitting every day

First Real Job – During the decline of my health and happiness

Job Title: Everything

Summary of Responsibilities: See job title

First Job – High school until I decided to grow up

Job Title: Nepotism hire that lasted nearly a decade

Summary of Responsibilities: Giving a 70% effort to avoid getting laid off from lack of work, showing up whenever I desired, listening to gossip when people thought I was playing music on my headphones

If hired, I swear to God, I will outstay my welcome.

For those interested, I am offering my personal services to help you build your own resume. Please leave a comment below with your email address and my assistant will reach out to you.