Do Not Have Sex with an Erumpent (A Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them Non-Review)

Last night, Timmy and I watched the 100th in the list of movies we watched together. That may seem a lot of movies, but since we belong to the couch potatoes, “Netflix-and-chill piggy” generation, that number doesn’t really seem so high.

The first movie we watched together in the theaters here in the US is Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. And of course, unintentionally, we wounded up watching it in a theater with reclining chairs–a first for both of us.

I’m a big fan of the Harry Potter franchise, and I mean the books more than the movies. The movies are hit-and-miss. Everybody  (should have) expected that. The universe in the books is too rich, too vast to be covered completely by the medium of cinema. Any reasonable person who liked the books should have set the bar low when it comes to their movie expectations.

But I am getting side-tracked.

Fantastic Beasts had been an anticipated treat for me. I read the book (which was quite disappointing since I’m used to long, narrative-style Harry Potter novels and the FB book turned out to be something I finished in two to three hours because of it’s short length and “list” format) before I watched the movie. Timmy and I intended to do so months before it was released, but we didn’t expect that I’d already be in the US (we’d finally be physically together!!!) before that date.

Talk about having a treat magnified 100 times!

I meant the experience, not Timmy. That’s…scary.

But not as scary as Eddie Redmayne’s facial expressions.

You know what I mean (seriously though, I actually like this actor….but I also like Benedict Cumberbatch, so there).

I liked the movie better than the book, which isn’t usually the case. Maybe because the movie actually has a story, a plot, while the book was just a little more than a descriptive list (which was the intention, since it was supposed to be a school book for the students of Hogwarts). I like stories. Preferably ones that involve some magic or darkness or humor or strange or any combination of these things, but all of them in the recipe would be the best.

The best part of the movie was still, of course, the fantastic beasts.

Especially when this Erumpent (rhino/elephant-like creature) tried to have sex with Jacob Kowalski, Eddie Redmayne’s sidekick character with the forgettable name.

Really, the magical creatures are reason enough to watch the film. I wish they truly exist. I wish Hogwarts exist. I wish I’m a witch. I wish Timmy and I could eat and eat and never get fat…

Anyway, Newt Scamander (Redmayne’s character) was a magical creature-lover, and I guess the story centers on his pursuit to learn as much as he could about these creatures so that the magical world could establish laws and regulations that could protect both humans and the creatures themselves. I’d like to think he was also advocating their rights, but I guess that’s too much to expect from the people of the 1920’s when we can hardly stop some people from eating dogs at this time. I shouldn’t even go that road…

Here’s a picture of a magical cat with big ears instead:

This is getting too long. Just watch the film. The DVD is available on Redbox now. Or you could download it from legal sources. Don’t ask me where because I don’t know–and not because I have only ever downloaded movies illegally before. Like whuuuuut??!! Do your homework, goddamit!

If like me, you’re a Potterhead, you’d be an  utter embarrassment if you fail to watch this film. Yes, I am judging you.

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