Animal Facts from the Past

I used to be so clever, funny, and interested in what people thought of me. Back in our long distance relationship days, Jenny and I would share secret messages with each other on Facebook through statuses. We’d have a theme. On this day several years ago, animal facts was the chosen theme.

Taken directly from my Facebook memories, here are those mostly true animal facts I shared with my future wife in secret out in the public.

Please note, this is a few years old. A few of those facts would now be viewed as controversial in 2022. You can’t make fun of anything anymore, can you?

For a very particular reason, here are 13 strange animal facts and not 11

1) Seahorses are monogamous for life until they are no longer attracted to their partner and begin sleeping with a secretary

2) All clownfish are born male and only change to female once they have the money for surgery

3) Grizzly bears have been clocked at running 30mph, but this is a bear telling time so who knows?

4) African elephants have the longest known pregnancy at close to two years which gives African male elephants the perfect excuse to not stick around

5) Anteaters eat 35,000 ants a day and they go straight to their thighs!

6) Baby giraffes can walk within a half hour of coming out of their mom’s vagina so what’s your excuse you lazy couch potato?

7) Elephants can smell water from miles away and hear rap music from even further

8) No two tigers have the same stripes so they must be snowflakes

9) Ancient Greek dentists used string ray venom as an anesthesia to trick little boys into taking off their pants

10) Alligators have been around for about 150 million years so if you have sex with one you have an old man/woman fetish

11) An adult panda typically spends 12 hours a day eating, meaning I have dated 3 adult pandas in my life

12) Polar bears have black skin under their white fur and believe OJ Simpson was not guilty

13) When a queen bee dies the worker bees create a new queen by feeding another female royal jelly. Some bees are lucky enough to have a queen for life.

If you haven’t already, be sure to check out our new, less profane website at Practically Humans. I’ve left some links to our latest articles below.

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