The First Year of Marriage is the Softest

The saying goes, the first year of marriage is the hardest.

Really? I got really soft during my first year.

It’s no secret that Jenny Bee and I love our food. In fact, I’m typing this using mozzarella sticks while sitting in a chair made of large M&Ms. That’s how damn out of control my love of food is.

Seriously though, folks; settle down from your uproarious laughter and understand, we’ve done well on not letting things get totally out of control. I’m still a little soft, but smaller than I have been at my peak weigh.

This is me about 15 years ago when I was really heavy. I’m the one with what looks like snowcaps on my head. It’s actually dandruff. (Photo Courtesy of Vimeo)

When they say the first year of marriage is hard, I don’t think they’re referring to your tummy. Mine got a lot softer during 2017. My mission in 2018 was to harden it up a little more or at least knock into fewer things with my abundantly larger than needed tummy.

We’ve dieted plenty in our first two years married. The first diet we tried together took place in November 2016. We did great. We were motivated to drop a few El Bees before our wedding. We did so without breaking a sweat. We should probably see a doctor about that. People die from not sweating.

All successful dieting needs some type of motivation. Back in 2015, Jenny and I began dropping weight during the months leading up to our first meeting in the Philippines. I remember eating so well back then. Then, I got to the Philippines and she agreed to marry me.

“Ha Ha,” I said, rather than actually laughing. “I’ve got her now.”

As time went on, dieting was a lot harder. I could never go more than a few weeks before going off the deep end. Though there’s no official number in a record book, in March 2018 I was probably about 30 pounds bigger than I was the first time Jenny saw me in person. I don’t think too many people would’ve noticed since I always walk around carrying a box to shield my body from the judgment of others. It’s kind of like Wilson from Home Improvement except I’m not covering the prison tattoos on my chin.

Amazon delivery person
Has this man gained weight this year? Nobody knows. He’s always holding boxes. I need to get a job at Amazon. (Photo Courtesy of

Growing fat while married is a common punishment for humans. You can’t have it all. But we can still try.

When it comes to the “real” reasons why they say the first year of marriage is hard, I sure hope it’s true. Jenny and I have been through this thing called lawfully wedded for over two years and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. The first year was a piece of cake. Unfortunately, that piece of cake was far too big because even in our third year we have yet to burn off those extra marriage calories.

two bees baseball
The shirt I’m wearing in this picture is now too big for me so I must be starving myself right.

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