bear attack

Have You Found Your Soulmate?

Are Jenny and I soulmates? There’s only one way to tell: Reading an article online and seeing if we meet the signs.

There are lots of articles like this out there. To ensure victory, I’ve selected one with only eight qualifiers. Feel free to play along at home or in the waiting room at the car dealership; where I’m writing this from.

Sign #1: You Have Intense Intuition

Could they have been any more vague? I think people read intuition incorrectly. I suppose Jenny and I do have this. She’ll look over her shoulder or anywhere in the distance and I’ll immediately know she is either looking for the bathroom or wants me to pass her a snack.

Sign #2: You’re Best Friends

This one isn’t really fair. I have no friends. So, by default, Jenny and I are best friends.

But in all seriousness, I don’t think any marriage can last without being best friends. You spend more time with that person than anyone else. If you’d prefer hanging out with the guys or your gaggle of girls, reconsider your sexual orientation.

bruce jenner
But be sure you don’t remain undecided like Bruce Jenner. (Photo Courtesy

Sign #3: There’s Mutual Respect

This is where we start to falter. In all fairness to Jenny, I do a lot of things to make her lose respect for me.

However, I do think Jenny respects me the same way you do a pitiful piece of artwork. At least, that’s what I’m clinging to.

Sign #4: You Have the Same Vision of the Future

This one is easy. Jenny and I both agree flying cars will be here by August 11, 2027. We also are in full agreement that cyborgs will take over by the end of this year. It’s pretty amazing how specific this vision of the future is for each of us.

future city
In the future, everything is Las Vegas. (Photo Courtesy of

Sign #5: You Challenge Each Other

We went to a buffet a few weeks ago. Jenny knows how much I can eat and how upset I get when we don’t get our money’s worth. That takes care of the part about me challenging her.

As for her challenging me, we’re supposed to meet for a duel tomorrow.

Sign #6: You Fight for the Relationship

Of anything on this list, our willingness to fight for this relationship might be the strongest reason to prove we are soulmates. We endured years apart before finally meeting in person then getting married.

Plus, I beat up any man who even looks at her.

Sign #7: You Can Be Apart, But Prefer Being Together

This is very true. Jenny and I are independent people, but we do acknowledge we’re better together. Just the other day we were chased by a bear. Because we split up in different directions, I was able to survive. As for her…wait where is she?

bear attack
“Plaid is so last season!” – from When Gay Bears Attack (Photo Courtesy of ABC News)

Sign #8: You’re Comfortable Being Authentic

When it comes to finding your soulmate, you have to 100% be yourself with them. Well, I mean, there are small fractions you still should keep away from them. Those are minimal and usually involve things we do in the bathroom.

Authenticity is required in finding your soulmate. Otherwise, you’re incapable. It’s not you. So be yourself. If you end up alone, assume your soulmate wasn’t as good looking as you and your shallowness let that slip away. Or maybe you were the ugly one.


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