Last week, I had the pleasure of riding Uber three times in one day. I thought when I got a car late last year my days of hoping for a mute Uber driver were over. Little did I know, circumstances would force me to visit cities with bad parking situations. Hence, my recent experience with three very different Uber drivers.

Driver #1

My destination was accessible via bus and a mile long walk. When I first went there, I took this journey. However, when I arrived, I learned my visit was for nothing at all. The woman who would collect my urine (for a drug test, not as a hobby) would not arrive for four more hours. After debating about whether I should just find a Dunkin Donuts to crash at for half a day or head home, I grabbed an Uber.

The first driver ended up being quite chatty. She was nice enough, though. I could tell the other passenger was sick of her rambling about how much she loves working for Uber. Basically, the ride was like a job fair for company. If I had to rank her among the drivers, she gets the silver medal.

Driver #2

The bronze medal winner among these three Uber drivers goes to the second pilot of the day. This driver, the one taking me from home BACK to my destination got off to a very poor start. First, he passed me on the street and continued driving for another two minutes. I ended up calling him to explain the situation. He seemed lost and a lot more focused on telling the other passenger about how disabled kids he used to work with message him on Facebook, sometimes referring to him as their “brother.”

Worst of all, the driver had no clue where he was taking me. I ended up giving him directions. The only plus side of this trip was that he pushed the wrong button and I ended up paying $2 less than I should have. Considering my 20 minute journey ended up clocking in closer to 40 minutes, I wasn’t about to go the ethical route.

Driver #3

Finally, we arrive at the champion. My final Uber driver was everything you’d want out of a car captain. He didn’t say a single word, took the fastest route, and had personal documents in the backseat I could read for entertainment. What’s not to love about this guy?

In my experience, the best Uber drivers are the ones who shut up and get you to your destination with the least amount of personal information divulged. All I know about this last guy is that he hates fat women. I know this because he laughed at a joke on the radio about it. Nobody’s perfect, but at least he knows when to shut up and when to strip himself naked with boring tales of his past.