Greatest Candy of All-Time Candidate: Fast Break

There are so many great candy bars in the world. Until recently, I couldn’t name a favorite. The feeling I got whenever asked to pick one must be the way parents do when deciding which child they should let burn for the life insurance. Sorry for that horrific image. I’ve spent too much of the last year watching forensic shows. If there’s anything I’ve learned about society it’s that everyone is a Red Shirt once a life insurance policy is taken out on them.

cincinnati reds
Moments before the Cincinnati Reds were killed by Klingons.

Ever since getting married, my diet hasn’t been the best. Actually, it hadn’t exactly been amazing since the first time Jenny and I met in October 2015. We piggied lots on our first beecation and never really got back on track after. We were engaged by then and locked into a lifetime of being together. If you know anything about our journey together, you know that keeping a thin waistline has not been a priority.

One thing I eat a lot more now are candy bars. Well, maybe that’s not true. I ate lots of them as a kid. I’m pretty sure my diet helped put Milton Hershey’s great grandchildren through college and get at least one of the ugly ones plastic surgery.

If I had to name a favorite candy it would be a Fast Break. These newer peanut butter and chocolate candies are the perfect mix of deliciousness in each (it only takes me two) bite.

Fast Break
Looking at this picture alone is 100 calories.

I would hurt another person for a Fast Break. I love them that much. I’d also let someone else hurt me if it meant one of those gooey morsels could touch my taste buds. The mix of peanut butter, chocolate, and nougat is perfect.

Fast Breaks aren’t too beloved because of their short-lived existence; not that it ever stopped Kevin Spacey. Usually candy needs to have a few centuries to build up a fan base. That’s why Fast Breaks aren’t on many top lists.

I will say Fast Breaks tend to be a little sweeter than most common candies. That’s because Fast Breaks are a combination of many great ones. It’s basically the offspring of a Peanut Butter Cup and a Three Musketeers. Which, if we’re going to really analyze the names, sounds more like a sexual assault by three men than a tender love-making session.

Three Musketeers
Anytime Charlie Sheen is involved, someone must gets hurt without their consent. And what’s with Hollywood trying to make Oliver Platt an action hero? He doesn’t even know how to comfortably hold a fake sword.

Meanwhile, over in Jenny Land, she’s fawning over Almond Joys every chance she gets. This is a candy she only recently tasted for the first time. I’m glad to say I had a part in introducing the two. I’ll let her write about her fondness for them. For now, let’s leave a cliffhanger until I get around to announcing my second candidate for the best candy in the world.

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