Did I Mention I Couldn’t Breathe During My Wedding?

Almost seven months ago I got married while gasping for air. It’s normal to get choked up at a wedding. My reason was a little different.

My wedding was special because it was also the first time I’ve worn a tuxedo. At almost 30, this is quite the feat. I’ve avoided formal gatherings all my life. My wedding put an end to that streak.

Tuxedo renting was easy enough. We found a place within walking distance, down the street about 15 minutes away. They didn’t have a huge variety, but enough to satisfy our needs. By that, I mean it covered my butt.

I’m not too particular about what I wear at any time. As long as it fits, leaves something to the imagination, and does not have any food stains I’m good. My tuxedo was more for Jenny, anyway. She always wanted to see me in one because she has a fetish for penguins. Unfortunately, although I wore what she wanted me to, she refused to wear what I’ve always wanted her to. Life sometimes isn’t fair.

big bird costume
I’m telling you baby, this would have made a beautiful wedding gown.

Everything went well with our tuxedo search. I even had a stranger measure me!

tuxedo shop
This man does not know how to properly measure a person. You always start from the tip of the anus! More on this in a second.

On the day of our wedding, I realized that the white undershirt was way too tight. I could only get one button to snap and I’m pretty sure that button is pressing charges against me for abuse.

Because only one button would close, a part of my chest was exposed. I’m fairly certainly this wouldn’t fly at a wedding. What are we; Italians?

So, I put a white t-shirt Jenny’s mom gave me on, inside-out and proceeded to put the rest of my superhero costume on. Nobody was none the wiser. Tucked somewhere between my rented tuxedo and aging body was a Filipino t-shirt.

tight wedding tuxedo
The smile of a man who knows a fit body is not in his future.

When we returned the tuxedo, I mentioned how tight it was. The gentleman (pictured above) was quite rude. He was very insulted that I would question his measuring skills. Then, he threatened to knock my 9 foot frame to the ground.

Barely able to breathe or move my diaphragm (we’ve all been there, haven’t we ladies?), I made it through the wedding thanks to toughness and a lifetime of living uncomfortably in my own skin. The only difference on this day was an extra layer.

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