I think I speak for men and the more masculine woman in a gay relationship. Ladies, if you’re not sure if you’re the more testosterone-fueled one or not, have a mustache measuring contest.

The key to a good marriage is making sure your wife is happy.

It’s not always easy. For a variety of reasons like a bad day, a chemical imbalance, or a boy band breaking up, women feel sad.

Luckily, you have me. And I’m willing to share the five keys to a successful marriage.

Key One: House Key

You need a house to have a happy wife. Don’t give me this garbage about home being where the heart is. The HGTV show is called House Hunters not Apartment Renters or Hey, Let’s Live with My Parents.

I don’t have a house yet. I may never own a house. So I guess this is a strike against me.

It’s an an important key because without it, you’re not able to get into your house where you can use your things. Alternatively, you could always travel back in time to the pre-everyone locks their doors era. I always found it silly on TV shows or in movies when people said their town was so safe they never locked their doors. What about the town locksmith? They weren’t safe from his wrath after they drove him out of business.

Key Two: Car Key

Don’t have a car? Good luck impressing anyone ever again. You need a car for a happy marriage. Otherwise, you’re stuck making your poor wife walk to get her tampons and gossip magazines. Rain don’t stop for that.

Fortunately, I do have car keys. Two, in fact. One only opens the door and the other turns it on. I guess, in a strange sex with cars way, you could say the one that opens the door is the wingman?

You definitely need a car in a successful marriage. Don’t give me this “I live in a metropolitan area, it makes more sense to take public transportation or become a shut-in” nonsense I always hear. Get a car you clown. It’s a good backup residence when your spouse is mad at you.

Key Three: Storage Locker

Did you know Americans spend billions of dollars a year on storing their crap? Maybe it’s millions. It’s definitely millions or billions. It’s not thousands or trillions. Let’s call it $999,999,999.99.

A storage locker is an important key to a good marriage because you need a place to stick all of your useless items you’ve accumulated over the years. I have a key to a storage locker that came free with my apartment.

And yes, I’m gloating right now.

Storage lockers are good only because they allow you to have more open space in the place you actually live: your home. Clutter can ravage a good relationship. Have you ever wondered why there’s no dating app for hoarders?

Key Four: Refrigerator Key

Who knew there was no “d” in refrigerator? Speaking of the d, you won’t get any without a key to your refrigerator.

I know what you’re thinking, “who has a key to their refrigerator?”

I’ll tell you who: people with no sense of self-control.

I knew a kid in high school who was so fat HOW FAT WAS HE? He was so fat his mother had to lock up the fridge. He boasted about it, too. It was as if this was some kind of medal of honor.

What does a fridge key have to do with a happy marriage? Well, if you have one, don’t lose the bastard. A successful marriage is 90% binge eating.

Key Five: Francis Scott Key

Every morning I begin by reciting The Pledge of Allegiance. Then I learned this wasn’t written by the great American poet, Francis Scott Key. I think Gary Glitter wrote that. So I started signing The Star Spangled Banner instead.

What makes for a better marriage more than love for your country? Francis Scott Key has played a big key in my life. Without him, I would never stand up with my hat removed at a baseball game. And maybe a few other things might be different.

Yep, FSK is an important key to a successful marriage. Love your country first, your gun second, and maybe then your wife somewhere between the NFL and your first truck. That’s the American way.