Yep, perfect me isn’t so perfect after all. After years of delaying glasses, I’ve finally got myself a pair. Now, if I could only grow a pair of balls to stand up to those who have wronged me, life would be perfect.

It’s weird wearing glasses. Everything looks so much closer. This isn’t good for someone who hates being near people. I constantly feel surrounded now. People standing on the other side of the street now invade my personal space.

I think I’ve relied my whole life on natural depth perception. Now, with the aid of glasses, my Daredevil-like talents are useless. I feel clumsier than ever and I have the attempt to improve my health to blame for it.6

Prior to this, the only glasses I’ve ever worn are sunglasses. The benefit of those is nobody can see you wink at them. I find myself doing odd things with my eyes whenever I wear my glasses because I still think this rule applies. However, everyone can see each eye-bulge or lazy-eye impression I make. It’s a dangerous game I play. Until I get used to these spectacles, I’m in danger of getting hit.

Jenny will need to help me get used to these glasses. She has worn a pair for most of her life. If I was on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and the question involved glasses, she’d be my lifeline. That’s how much I trust her glasses knowledge.

I actually don’t think I look too bad with glasses. They accompany the increased responsibilities I have in my life such as paying taxes, having a job, and playing fewer practical jokes on authority figures. With these glasses, I now am the authority figure who will find his ass glued to the toilet seat.

Next on the agenda is to fix my hips. Unfortunately, doing so involves more than a 20-minute appointment with a doctor. Judging by the pain and length of the injury, I’m almost certain amputation is the only solution.