American readers: imagine lizards constantly crawling on your walls. It’s terrifying isn’t it? Life can’t possibly be worth living no matter how big your penis is.

To a Filipino, lizards on the wall are nothing to cry about. Jenny’s house was filled with them because that’s just the way life is in the tropics. The same way we Americans have posters of our sports heroes and boogers on our walls, the Filipinos have lizards crawling around.

The majority of the lizards on Jenny’s wall were small, grey ones. They’re relatively harmless and are more afraid of humans (yet they hang around us) than we are of them. These lizards serve the spider role in the Philippines with their ability to eat other insects in sight. I’m totally not sure if that’s true but it sounds logical.

Make no mistake; some lizards aren’t so nice. Specifically, it’s the gecko my wife hates most. Even more specific, she hates Tuko.

Tukos, according to Jenny, are big scary lizards with red eyes. They exist in tropical climate and beneath Michael Moore’s bosom. Sorry for the redundancy.

I never saw a Tuko whilst in the Philippines. While half-awake, Jenny did mistake the fire alarm for one. I think my constant teasing messed with her mind. She was constantly on the lookout for Tukos thereafter. Fortunately, we didn’t have to deal with any.

Reptiles are far rarer in the United States than they are in the Philippines. You can find a snake your underwear drawer there once a week. Here, the most frightening thing you’ll find is a pair of underwear with a black streak the washing machine didn’t clean out.

I’m grateful there aren’t lizards crawling around our walls. I grew up thinking of them as icky. My opinion isn’t about to change either. Scaly skin is meant for truck drivers’ elbows, not the creepy-crawly uninvited guests living in the corners of our homes.