In my younger and more Rugrats-focused years, the grossest thing I saw my parents do together was pop each other’s pimples. I only specifically recall my mom doing it to my dad’s back. If I had to guess, my mom didn’t have too many on hers. She never took steroids and at no point in her life was she ever a teenage boy.

This tradition happened often enough where it’s a lingering memory only years of electroshock therapy could cure. Thankfully, there weren’t any grosser things I caught them doing together. At the time I thought they kept me in a dog crate because they were evil. Now that I’m married, I understand it’s because they were protecting me from all of the gross things spouses do.

If ever you’re looking for an excuse to get married, look no further than all of the gross activities you already do alone. In marriage, you get to share your despicable nature with another soul. It’s quite wonderful knowing you’re not the only one partaking in such vile acts.

Jenny and I have our share of gross habits we do together. One of the more common ones we partake in is head scratching. We both love getting our heads scratched, but I especially love scratching hers. I’m sure there’s some sort of medical name for obsessing over this. It’s actually quite common too as Jenny and I both have relatives who have done it to us in the past. That doesn’t make it normal; it just makes it a little more comforting to know we could always start some strange dandruff-focused religion if ever needed.

Another gross thing we do together is share each other’s utensils. I suppose this one is pretty normal for anyone in a relationship. It’s also not rare for all cretins around the world just looking to taste another person’s spit. My dad actually noticed us sharing a straw a few weeks ago when we went out to dinner. He commented on it partially because he was a little turned off by it, but also because he probably wanted a sip, too.

There aren’t too many other gross things we do that would create pandemonium. We handle each other’s dirty clothes on laundry day and never share toothbrushes. Even when we poop, we keep the door closed.

Overall, I think we’re pretty normal. But that doesn’t mean you have to be.

A big part of life is finding someone you can do gross things with. So, if you haven’t yet, good luck on finding that special person to engage in disgusting acts with.