This is a blog post I’ve wanted to write about for a long time. Clearly I procrastinated as I’m no longer in a long distance relationship. Jenny and I are together, ready to take on the world. There’s nothing long about this relationship anymore. Just ask my penis enlargement consultant.

Jenny and I have never fought often. We’re like MMA stars or boxers. We have one fight a year and usually it lasts a few seconds before one of us pays off the other. Money and food are both acceptable forms of currency in this relationship. If you need proof, ask my belt which broke this past weekend.

While we do have the occasional disagreement, Jenny and I get along really well. In person it’s easier to fight because you end up on each other’s side of the bed or can grow sick of the way they clear their nostrils. Long distance relationship fights are more real and I assume incredibly uncomfortable.

When you love someone and you fight, the best thing to do is look each other in the eye and talk about it. People (monsters too I guess) in long distance relationships do not have this luxury. You can Skype, but it barely helps ease the tension. You’re looking at the pixelated soul of someone you care about. It’s more difficult to convince this hologram that you’re sorry than it is when you can smell their stinky breath.

Long distance relationship fights are unnatural. It’s best you don’t have them. Actually, it’s best you don’t fight with your loved one at all. Why do you think Muhammad Ali and George Foreman didn’t have another match? It’s because fighting with the one person who makes you feel really special is a waste of time.

Fighting is inevitable in any relationship. Jenny and I do our best to avoid it. The important thing is to share as much of your lives as possible. The more connected you feel, the easier it is to work things out when everything goes awry.

If all else fails, look into the other person’s eyes. Hopefully you’re reminded why you love them in the first place. If this doesn’t work, I’m sorry you’re stuck with someone with crazy eyes.