Last week, my favorite baseball team, the Philadelphia Phillies signed superstar outfielder Bryce Harper to a 13-year $330 million contract. It was a major deal in the sports world and I can’t celebrate it with anyone! I’m like those kids who make the news for throwing birthday parties none of the kids show up to.

Though I use my social media to talk about sports often, I write about another team and I fear I’ll lose some credibility by openly expressing my true fandom. I’d lose some respect with the writers I work with and would deal with too many online trolls than I can handle, which by my count, is any.

On the day the Phillies signed him, I chatted with Jenny Bee about it and sent a Facebook message to my dad. Other than these two instances, I had no one to high-five, tummy bump, or grunt along with. Nobody that I interact with daily understands what a big deal this was to me. For over 20 years, it’s the team I’ve wanted to see win a championship. On this one day, they landed one of the biggest free agents in the history of the sport.

To put it in a context everyone can understand, this signing was like taking a really big crap. You want to tell the neighbor in the stall next to you. You’re tempted to stop everything you’re doing and send a massive text to as many people as you can (pic included). You just can’t though, because it’s a piece of shit. There isn’t a person on this earth who cares to see it outside of maybe Germany or Japan. They’re interesting in some really pervasive things.

One of my managers at work knows I like baseball and brings it up sometimes. Anyone who sees my desk knows I like the Phillies because of the Phillie Phanatic picture I now have on my displayed, thanks to Jenny Bee’s artwork:

Even though some of my fellow employees know my love of the game, who wants to talk about their hopes, dreams, and aspirations with those they work with? Workmates are for whining to, gossiping with, and hearing fart in the bathroom and being able to identify them from their shoes below the stall. They’re for tallying who does and doesn’t wash their hands. Co-workers are meant for making our live uncomfortable. They’re not for sharing happiness. Happiness is why you have children; to force them into doing things you like until they rebel in their teens.

Two Bees in a Blog is the most anonymous place I can go online to express my joy over this move. If you’re not into sports, imagine an actor you love joins the cast of a show you’ve followed. It’s like that but far better than Brendan Fraser becoming the new host of Survivor.

Thank you for bringing some excitement back to Phillies baseball, Bryce Harper. I apologize for making fun of your vanity and poor choice of haircuts over the years. Please don’t pay anyone millions of dollars to break my legs.