What the Bs in Airbnb Stand For

And we’re back.

As Jenny mentioned in her triumphant return to blogging, we had a miserable summer. It was hot, kids were often laughing within earshot of our apartment windows, and the only vacation we went on was due to an infestation of bed bugs.

For a little over a week, we stayed at a nearby hotel while the exterminators did their thing to get rid of the bugs. I believe this included spraying deadly chemicals and sharing political memes they found on Facebook. Nothing drives a living creature away worse than a still image of unfactual information.

Hotels can get expensive so to save a little bit of money, we decided we could try an Airbnb. Hesitant at first because this would involve some socializing, we did it anyway. Cheapness won out.

We left the hotel we were staying at on the Saturday away from home only to return a few hours later. That’s because we learned what the Bs in Airbnb stand for. It’s bug.

airbnb host
“Hospitable with a fine collection of women’s clothing. Gave me a choice to sleep in a room upstairs or at the bottom of a well. Walked around naked, but tucked in penis.” – a review of Buffalo Bill on Airbnb (Photo Courtesy of Rolling Stone)

The first thing we did when we arrived at our Airbnb room was inspect the beds. This was the home of a total stranger. We had to be careful. There was no telling who had slept in that bed last or who may even still be in it. Double-booking is always a smart move in several industries. Having never used Airbnb before, I thought maybe this was common practice.

We didn’t find any ugly yet adventurous European tourists in our beds. However, after some thorough examination, we did find some bugs. About five of them.

This specific site was selected because of its proximity to work and how clean the place supposedly was according to past reviews. While the home was in pretty good shape, the creepy crawlers on the bedsheets and on the mattress told a different story.

At the time, the homeowners were downstairs vacuuming. We hadn’t seen them yet as they were not home when we first arrived. Jenny and I waited a few minutes, debating what action to take. It had been a rough week already. Now, after moving all of our stuff out of the hotel and up the stairs into our new room, we were about to leave all over again.

I went downstairs to inform the hosts of what we found. They “seemed” shock, but it was the same level of shock someone displays when they’re a bad actor. There were plenty of “I don’t know how this could have happened” sprayed all over the room. The statement was a little unfair. I saw three cobwebs in our room.

Based on some minimal research, we determined the bugs were likely carpet beetles do to their shape and the way they moved. Striking a strong resemblance to a small caterpillar, they weren’t nearly as prepared to blossom into a beautiful butterfly. The only thing these bugs had in their future was turning into a larger pest.

carpet beatles
The first carpet beetle we squished in a tissue was the Pete Best of the five. (Photo Courtesy of ultimateclassicrock.com)

The hosts wasted no time in apologizing and contacting the Airbnb headquarters to cancel our appointment. Clearly not ready to deal with an impending lawsuit or fight to death (however it is Airbnb settles disputes) we were able to cancel our stay pretty easily. The entire process did take close to a half hour. After speaking with a customer representative who thought staying somewhere in The Bronx was a suitable replacement based on proximity, we decided it was best to return to the previous hotel we were at.

And of course, once we arrived at the hotel, our door wouldn’t open. The two bros working the front desk didn’t seem to think it was an issue that the door required users to pull back then up and over to open it. They were about as apologetic as someone who doesn’t give a rat’s ass could be.

Sometimes, in this crazy journey called life, I look for signs. If I’m hungry and go to a snack machine and the bastard eats my coins, I know this is the universe telling me I’m fat.

Here, I learned to never leave my comfort zone. I won’t be attempting to save money by utilizing Airbnb’s services again. Next time, cheapness loses and being a hermit wins.

Our first experience with Airbnb was not the Airbnbest.
I should have set my expectations low. After all, their logo is an anus and a nutsack. (Photo Courtesy of theislandnow.com)

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