DISCLAIMER: This is only guaranteed to work if wife is a bee.

1. Tire yourself out the day before so you could sleep early and wake up early on your special day. Make sure to have a beautiful view to wake up to, like a sunrise by the beach, a hanging of people you hate in life, or the face or your obnoxious husband.
2. Subtly hint that you want someone special to you–like your obnoxious husband–sing you a birthday song first thing in the morning. If this doesn’t work, you’re allowed to use force. RULE 1: Anything you do is excused on your special day. Do not forget to document. It did not happen until you have video proof. That’s how things work these days.
3. Tease or tickle obnoxious husband mercilessly. (See Rule 1)
4. Take time to be grateful for all the blessings you have. Just don’t hashtag yourself with #BLESSED on Facebook, please.
5. Get yourself whatever you’re craving for for lunch. Even if that includes brownies.
6. After lunch, talk yourself into buying a big pint of salted caramel ice cream. Because Why Fucking Not???

   

7. Exclusive activities done under (or without) the covers. Let your imagination work.
8. Cuddles, lots of it pre- and post- number seven.
9. Claim the offer of your rich, white husband to have a dinner somewhere nice; search the place with the most romantic ambiance you can find and tell your sponsor you want to have birthday dinner there, moving your feet restlessly while lying down, because you have to make it clear the prospect excites you and gives you tummy pterodactyls–leaving him with no choice but to give in.

   

10. Dance to “Honeybee” by Steam Powered Giraffe with obnoxious husband. While doing this, clothing is optional.

Or you could just give your wife unlimited use of your credit cards, really. It’s as simple as that. (*hint hint*)