Ranking the Perfect Bosses

What makes a good leader? It’s more than scapegoating a minority group within your organization or team. There’s also a lot yelling, passive-aggressiveness, and flakiness needed in order to succeed at being a boss.

One of the more overlooked qualities in being a good boss involves the bathroom you use. Sometimes, completely out of the boss’s control (oh boy do they hate that!), they don’t even have a choice in the matter.

Most companies will have a bathroom. Others cannot afford this luxury and ask you to bring your own Snapple bottle from home. I worked one place where there was no lock on the door. I didn’t last there long and the bathroom was only a small reason for it. The bigger reason was that I would get yelled at every week for incorrectly labeling trash cans. I wish my life never included that moment.

You see, the bathroom situation will ultimately determine whether or not you can function well at your job or not. You need a good toilet situation in order to survive in whatever cutthroat industry you work in. And if you don’t think where you work is a survival of the fittest, you’ve probably already been fired and just don’t know it yet.

In conclusion, the bathroom situation directly affects your relationship with your boss.

Not so much in conclusion, let me explain a little further with a ranking of the four types of bosses.

Ranked 1: Opposite Sex, Gender Differentiated Rest Rooms

The best kind of boss is the type that shares different private parts from you. At the very least, they pretend to.

I’ve had more female bosses than male bosses. I’ve also worked in more places where there is a men’s room and a ladies room. This is my number one ranked boss. We will never cross paths or streams in this situation.

There’s no awkwardly pretending your boss doesn’t exist while you’re both sitting two feet away from each other having a poo. Even worse, both of your genitals are just flopping around in your hands while you pee on the wall while standing beside one another as you take a peek at your phones.

Ranked 2: Same Sex, Singular Shared Bathroom for All

I’ve had one job where there was a unisex bathroom. This was by far the worst situation. However, if given the choice, it’s still my number two ranking as long as I’m reporting to a male.

There is some good to having a singular shared bathroom between everyone who has to defecate. You get some privacy until someone knocks at the door and then continues to fidget with the handle even after you mumble “someone’s in here!” in your best startled voice.

For me, it’s okay to have a guy go in the bathroom before or after me. We get our own time to shine with only maybe a stain or slight stench to remind us we’re not at home. There’s no conversation. In my book, that’s always a win.

Ranked 3: Same Sex, Gender Differentiated Rest Rooms

To specific, I mean a public toilet where anyone can just walk in. The separate male and female bathrooms where one person can go in at a time is basically the same thing as the singular shared bathroom for all. The only difference is I never have to see a tampon. More on that in a moment.

Most larger businesses have this bathroom setup. While having a boss of the same gender means you’re bound to hear them fart at some point, it’s just something you’ll both have to pretend never happened.

Admittedly, I’ve timed bathroom breaks so I don’t bump into a male boss in the bathroom. Like me, many have schedules. Rule number one at any job is knowing when your boss routinely takes a trip to the loo.

Ranked 4: Opposite Sex, Singular Shared Bathroom for All

And miniature American flags for others.

This is my least favorite setup of all. I can deal with men smells and men smelling my smells. I don’t want a female boss knowing the horrible truths about me by sharing a bathroom. Furthermore, I don’t need to know what she ate for lunch.

Call me neurotic if you must. There’s just something unsettling about knowing the female you respect poops and pees and has the ability to give birth. I’m sure women feel the same way about their male superiors. Worse, they have to deal with tinkle stains.

What do you look for in the perfect boss? I look for a different gendered one whose feet will never show up under a bathroom stall.

2 thoughts on “Ranking the Perfect Bosses

  1. You and your bathroom obsession.

    What if your boss is gender-fluid? How’d you categorize that?

    …you’ve probably already been fired and just don’t know it yet.” – This is so true it’s not even funny. Or maybe it is. I can’t decide. I change my mind a lot (says no successful job interviewee ever).

    Liked by 1 person

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