I’ve revised my resume plenty in the last year-plus. What was once a travesty is now a decent-looking summary of my working history.
If my resume was an actress, it would have gone from Lena Dunham to, well, pick anyone that doesn’t look like a 1970s minor league hockey player.
One thing my resume does lack is some pure honesty. We all fib a bit here. In even a subtle way, we add some hyperbole into our skills.
I’d like to do something a little different and give a more honest resume. Just in case you’re looking to hire someone who is ballsy enough to admit he’s not perfect, this is my honest resume.
An Apartment in a Town He Can Afford to Live In
(Phone Calls) Make Me-Nervous
Summary of Skills
- Fast typer
- Doing what is asked
- Ability to learn quickly, but quite limited
- Bad at remembering names and I realize they’re someone important
- That’s about it
Current Company – Present Day
Job Title: Nameless employee doing his best to blend in
Job Summary: Doing what I’m told, not using the bathroom too often where rumors begin to swirl, avoiding human contact
Previous Company – Three months too long at a three month and one week job
Job Title: Bystander
Summary of Responsibilities: Getting yelled at daily, taker of poor instructions, being terribly confused, ponderer of quitting every day
First Real Job – During the decline of my health and happiness
Job Title: Everything
Summary of Responsibilities: See job title
First Job – High school until I decided to grow up
Job Title: Nepotism hire that lasted nearly a decade
Summary of Responsibilities: Giving a 70% effort to avoid getting laid off from lack of work, showing up whenever I desired, listening to gossip when people thought I was playing music on my headphones
If hired, I swear to God, I will outstay my welcome.
For those interested, I am offering my personal services to help you build your own resume. Please leave a comment below with your email address and my assistant will reach out to you.