The most annoying, reviled, and disgusting flap of skin on earth is probably Ann Coulter. After her, it’s foreskin.

I’m not old enough to remember having mine. If I was Filipino, this would be different. Their men are actually circumcised at about 10-years-old.

This rite of passage is an important one in the lives of Filipino males. It’s their opportunity to grow up and leave childish smegma behind.

In the US, circumcisions occur when no one will remember it. I like this better. Nobody wants to have a turtleneck around their junk one day and then have it brutally sliced off the next. Plus, what if you’re one of those lucky boys who has a full-size one early one? Sure, you’d probably run a little faster from the weight loss, but the pain would be unbearable.

I understand why the Philippines has this tradition; many cultures do. The US, as a melting pot of ideologies, lacks many of these coming-of-age moments we can celebrate. A girl’s first period is kept quiet and a boy’s introductory wet dream is a secret between him and his blanket. As repressed as the Filipinos may seem, they aren’t as uptight about the human body.

Going forward, I propose every child in the US, on their 11th birthday, gets to fart as much as possible. This will signal the path from childhood to adulthood has already begun. It’s also not harmful like chopping off a piece of skin. Everyone wins and the world’s supply of methane gas is constantly refreshed. Who knows? Maybe one day it can cluster together and become President of the United States.

Either we go with the above or we pinch the kid 11 times in the arm.